Trent, Whitnie & girls!

May- Wasn't the best month

I only posted this for family and close friends that have been asking. I really don't like to repeat myself because every time I tell the story, I cry and I hate crying in front of people. Also, because I like to use this as my Journal.

You can skip this part, if you would like its long. WARNING: I'm HORRIBLE at writing.

May 16^th, 2013

I met Trent at 11:30 gave him the kids and walked in too my Dr. Appointment. Super excited to find out information. Not going to lie Trent and I thought we could possibly be pregnant with twins because it’s been soooooo common these days.:) Why, we thought we could have been pregnant with twins was because this pregnancy was SO different. I got morning sickness 10 times worse than any of the girls, started showing WAY earlier than the girls. Than two weeks before and up to my appointment I was feeling movement all over. So walk in to the doctor’s office waiting FOREVER super excited. The dr comes in does all her business than lays me down to listen to the heart beat, 5 mins looking for it she couldn't find one. Felt my tummy and said my uterus was smaller than 17 weeks. Either of us were worried because I always measure small and the dr said “this same thing happen to her last week”, “ she was 16 weeks and I couldn't find a heartbeat and sent her to ultrasound and the baby was fine.” So the dr. sent me to ultrasound. I called Trent to see if he was done taking the girls to lunch and wanted to meet up with me. We waited a really long time; my thoughts were all over the place. Thoughts of how exciting, I might be able to find the gender out. My nervous were shot. Walk in to the ultrasound around 2, my nervous couldn't take much more, I had all this on my mind, three little girls (my niece, Emma, Makenlie) tired of waiting around, and a kid that I gotta go get from school soon. I couldn't see the ultrasound; the tech asked me questions at the beginning about how many kids I had and their gender. Then she got quiet wasn't saying much and I could start feeling that something was right. Trent stood up and could see the ultrasound and could tell there was no movement. The tech was finished and said go back to the doctor’s office and they will talk to you. I sent Trent off with the three girls to go pick up Pagelynn because it’s now after school hours. I go wait more where I was about in a ball of falling apart but holding it together. Go in the room to wait for the dr and I could feel a sense of pull it together. Dr. walks in and I call Trent to listen to what the dr has to say. She walks in with this sad look on her face and says “I’m sorry, your baby stopped growing a couple of weeks ago” Which we call a “voluntary abortion.” I hated the term of that .I’m still holding it together with thoughts running like crazy in my head. No, this isn't true the baby was moving today, I felt something in the ultrasound. She continues to tell me that in the ultrasound it looks like the baby was bigger when it stopped growing but its measuring 14 weeks and 6 days because it has already started shrinking. Not sure that is really how small or big it is, We will see when you delivery.The tears start to flow and I just want to get up and run. She tells me since the baby is 15ish weeks and my body isn't getting rid of it on its own that I have to delivery it. She than says “I would like for you to go ahead and do that today” WHAT, no I have Pagelynn's Kindergarten program I don’t want to miss tomorrow. She sits there because I’m just in shock sitting there saying nothing. She says,"we have to get the baby out because it can cause an infection and we don’t want that to happen," " if you don’t go in today than I would like for you to come in this weekend." Waiting for me to respond and I’m not. She says “why don’t you talk to your husband and see what you guys would like to do.” This point Trent is already walking into the building with the 4 girls. I tell him what is going on since he couldn't hear much on the phone. The dr comes back in and we all decide that its best I wait til the weekend to deliver the baby. Poor kids spent the whole day at the dr. office clueless of what’s going on. Since we didn't even tell them we were excepting yet. Pagelynn was in tears because I never picked her up so she had to go to the office and wait til someone came and got her. Friday night we attended Pagelynn’s adorable program (see later post). Saturday my Dr. left a message on my phone that she wanted to see how I was doing and if I haven’t had the baby, if I could go in Sunday afternoon. She gave me her number to text her so we texted back and forth about how I was feeling and time on Sunday. Sunday came and I woke up with nerves on end, and just A LOT of emotions. All I thought of is how I couldn't go to church and see all the prego people and loose my emotions. I stayed home with the girls to keep me busy and mind off things, cleaned the house why Trent went to his Sunday meetings. Finally, the time came to go in and deliver, my sweet mom took time off work to came down to be with the girls. We arrive at the hospital and were greeted with the sweetest nurse. She takes me into the room and asked if I understood what the dr. had in plan. We said we have had a lot of people ask why we weren't going to do a D&C. Trent was soooo sweet, worried about me going in there spending, who knows how long in the bed, in pain delivering this baby. He wanted it to as painless as possible for me. The nurse said she could tell we had some concerns and that we should talk to the dr. before they move ahead. I texted the dr. asked if we could call and talk about a few concerns. She said of course she even offered to come up to the hospital and talk. Trent just talked to her on the phone asking why not a D&C and why this step. Basically, because a D&C is like an abortion at this stage, they cut up the parts and suck it out. The dr said we could do this step but she wouldn't do it for us. We all agreed that it would not be a step we wanted to do. Hung up with the dr. and the nurse started all the paper work, the IV which was the MOST painful IV that took forever. Plus side they didn’t have to try over and over like normally they do. I didn’t have to be hooked up to the IV they just put the tube in for a just in case and in the end they gave me something through it. Then she gave me pills that started me having contractions and dilating , I was crying and just so nervous to see the baby. Thoughts were running in my head, do I want to see the baby, will I be able to know the gender, do I want to know the gender, hope there something wrong with it to make me understand why its heartbeat stopped, all kinda things going around in my mind. Trent left to go home to say good night to the girls and eat some dinner and let me sleep. The nurse was sooooo sweet, she came in talked to me about how Trent and I need to talk about our feelings , write in a journal about my feelings as I go through this process. She then said a pray for me and even though she didn’t have my faith she said a pray that touched me. In it she said, “That we would be bless with a little boy in our home someday,” she said, “that she could feel the love that Trent and I had for each other,” and that “our girls were beautiful (never saw a pic of them).” She cried with me hugged me, left the room and came back with a notepad and pen to write down the feelings I was going to have through this process. Hugged me again and went home. Soon after Trent came back we watched the finale of The Office. Around 10 the nurse came back in, to give me my 2^nd dose of med. still not much pain. I went to sleep and around 12 my water broke. Went back to sleep and around 2 I woke up and looked down to see something was coming. Woke up Trent, the nurse came in and checked me and said the baby was coming. She gave me my 3^rd dose of med. and hooked me up to my IV. She called the dr. why I was sitting there waiting on the dr I could feel my heart beating fast and I was getting nervous. I just wanted to run out crying. The dr came in and told me to start pushing; I kinda laid there like wait, “what I really do have to push,” “can’t you just pull it out.” So I started to push and push and push it was sooooo weird because I really didn’t know how to push I couldn’t feel a baby like I have in the pass delivering. It was a lot of pushing, more than I have ever pushed before with my other kids. Finally, getting the baby out than more pushing trying to get the placenta out. I couldn’t get it out so the nurse had to put her hand on my tummy and pretty much push it out. I’M TELLING YOU THAT HURT!!!! After her doing that for a while the dr was able to get it out. The dr. said the baby was a girl, I was like NOT SURPIRSED, then she quickly followed it with nope it’s a boy. I just started crying, she handed me the baby. Thoughts of anger looking at the baby and hoping to see a missing leg of some weird growth with it. I saw a baby that was perfect with all its toes, fingers, legs, and arms. I was anger of what did I do wrong to make the baby stop growing. Upset that this was the little boy my husband always wanted and I failed at keeping it alive. The dr said she couldn’t see anything wrong with my placenta the baby looked like there was nothing wrong. She said that a 2^nd trimester “ a volentter adortion” is what they called it. , that she was going to do a lot of blood work to see if they could find out why it stopped growing. She (dr) sat and cried with me for a bit and hugged me. The nurse than came in and asked what we wanted to do with the baby. She said we can take care of it with the rest of the tissues or we could do a free service the hospital offer, which was to bury it in land they had and do a balloon release in honor of the baby. She couldn’t imagine they just “throwing it away” so we said we would do the free service that the hospital provides. Which they would bury it and do a releasing of a balloon to honor the baby. They left us alone Trent and I talked about our thoughts and feelings. I honestly was numb at this point and just wanting to go to sleep and wake up and hope everything was going to be better in the am. This is normal for me when things are going bad or I’m upset, I hope to go to sleep and wake up and things will be better. J We got pictures of this sweet little baby, when I looked at him I didn't see flesh I saw a sweet baby face, which was moving inside of me. Trent on the other hand saw it more as flesh. I will not share any of those photo’s but if you want you can Google pictures of other babies at 17 weeks and that will give you an idea. So those movements that I was feeling the day of the ultrasound was my uterus shrinking. I know that we made the right choices in this whole process. It kills me to think that people can have abortions at this stage.